Is that a burrito in your pocket ...

... or are you here to kill me?

This is the funniest / saddest thing I have read in a while, and it is fitting commentary on the state of the American psyche in the new, ultra heightened, minuteman border patrolling( link to real audio file), homeland security fixated, you're either with us or against us, paranoid freakville that is the 21st century United States of America. Pardon me if the preceding wording was a bit strong, and I apologize to all those Americans who appear to "get it", those Americans who did not vote for Bush in the last election and all those Americans who are in the process of moving to Canada. If you have not clicked on the link at the beginning of this entry yet, here is a brief synopsis:

CLOVIS, N.M. Apr 29, 2005 — A call about a possible weapon at a middle school prompted police to put armed officers on rooftops, close nearby streets and lock down the school. All over a giant burrito.

Someone called authorities Thursday after seeing a boy carrying something long and wrapped into Marshall Junior High.

The drama ended two hours later when the suspicious item was identified as a 30-inch burrito filled with steak, guacamole, lettuce, salsa and jalapenos and wrapped inside tin foil and a white T-shirt.

A burrito. A 30 inch burrito. How paranoid can Americans stand to get before they are just shooting each other on site whenever someone is carrying something not immediately recognizeable? What gives? And the creator of the burrito is quoted as saying:

"We had to make up a product and it could have been anything. I made up a restaurant that specialized in oddly large burritos," Morrissey said.

Oddly large burritos. Burritos of Mass Destruction. Perhaps this is what ol' Saddam needed those large aluminum tubes for - oddly large burritos, not nuclear weapons. Maybe rather than harming neighbouring countries, Saddam was really trying to feed them. Feed them oddly large burritos or strangely huge falafel. What if he learned his lesson from all that scudding, and decided to just say no to scudding, and yes to feeding? And this whole weapons of mass destruction type of country invading that has so engaged the U.S. government could have been avoided if they had just asked up front about any "oddly large burrito" development programs Iraq may have been undertaking. This whole armed invasion of Iraq, all those body bags, the nasty prison torture situation, filling Cuba up with those "unlawful combatant" fellows, all of it may have been for naught. Couldn't someone have just said:

"Say, any of you Iraqi fellers planning on deploying any Weapons of Mass Consumption? Planning on launching an oddly large burritos anytime soon? Got any mobile burrito factories, kinda like lunch wagons, only bigger?"

End of story. The Iraqis offer up some oddly large burritos, or some strangely huge falafel and this whole mess is avoided. But no, Bush has to do it his way. Invade first and ask questions later, when it is too late and the questions and their answers are rendered meaningless by the senseless carnage. I would personally like the Department of Homeland Security to move that colored indicator alerting all Americans to the current threat level to "green". Green for "low risk of terrorist activities", and strong chance of guacamole.
Rock on you security conscious fellas, and pass the salsa.