Is that a burrito in your pocket ...

... or are you here to kill me?

This is the funniest / saddest thing I have read in a while, and it is fitting commentary on the state of the American psyche in the new, ultra heightened, minuteman border patrolling( link to real audio file), homeland security fixated, you're either with us or against us, paranoid freakville that is the 21st century United States of America. Pardon me if the preceding wording was a bit strong, and I apologize to all those Americans who appear to "get it", those Americans who did not vote for Bush in the last election and all those Americans who are in the process of moving to Canada. If you have not clicked on the link at the beginning of this entry yet, here is a brief synopsis:

CLOVIS, N.M. Apr 29, 2005 — A call about a possible weapon at a middle school prompted police to put armed officers on rooftops, close nearby streets and lock down the school. All over a giant burrito.

Someone called authorities Thursday after seeing a boy carrying something long and wrapped into Marshall Junior High.

The drama ended two hours later when the suspicious item was identified as a 30-inch burrito filled with steak, guacamole, lettuce, salsa and jalapenos and wrapped inside tin foil and a white T-shirt.

A burrito. A 30 inch burrito. How paranoid can Americans stand to get before they are just shooting each other on site whenever someone is carrying something not immediately recognizeable? What gives? And the creator of the burrito is quoted as saying:

"We had to make up a product and it could have been anything. I made up a restaurant that specialized in oddly large burritos," Morrissey said.

Oddly large burritos. Burritos of Mass Destruction. Perhaps this is what ol' Saddam needed those large aluminum tubes for - oddly large burritos, not nuclear weapons. Maybe rather than harming neighbouring countries, Saddam was really trying to feed them. Feed them oddly large burritos or strangely huge falafel. What if he learned his lesson from all that scudding, and decided to just say no to scudding, and yes to feeding? And this whole weapons of mass destruction type of country invading that has so engaged the U.S. government could have been avoided if they had just asked up front about any "oddly large burrito" development programs Iraq may have been undertaking. This whole armed invasion of Iraq, all those body bags, the nasty prison torture situation, filling Cuba up with those "unlawful combatant" fellows, all of it may have been for naught. Couldn't someone have just said:

"Say, any of you Iraqi fellers planning on deploying any Weapons of Mass Consumption? Planning on launching an oddly large burritos anytime soon? Got any mobile burrito factories, kinda like lunch wagons, only bigger?"

End of story. The Iraqis offer up some oddly large burritos, or some strangely huge falafel and this whole mess is avoided. But no, Bush has to do it his way. Invade first and ask questions later, when it is too late and the questions and their answers are rendered meaningless by the senseless carnage. I would personally like the Department of Homeland Security to move that colored indicator alerting all Americans to the current threat level to "green". Green for "low risk of terrorist activities", and strong chance of guacamole.
Rock on you security conscious fellas, and pass the salsa.

I want that ...

Flippin' awesome.

McFarlane Toys and Fox Licensing & Merchandising proudly announce a new licensing agreement bringing a "sweet" line of action figures based on characters from the hit cult-flick Napoleon Dynamite.

I hope Pedro has removable hair, in case his head gets too hot, and notice the wording on McFarlane's site ...

"Ever Take Those Toys Off Any Sweet Jumps?"

That's what I'm talkin' 'bout.

Go grab yourself a dang' quesadilla.


Rock on Napoleon.

Old Age Security

I came across this today and it set my mind to thinking on its possible uses, particularly as relating to US Homeland Security. The gist of the site is that by scanning a fingerprint, the computer will then go on to create ...

" ... a 3D labyrinth made from one's own scanned fingerprint."

Perhaps instead of requiring all Canadians to have a passport to enter the United States, we could have some kind of timed trial to successfully navigate the 3D maze of your own fingerprint. It would be both fun for the whole family and secure. Of course Elsie Wayne would probably have something to say about this, as seniors would definitely be at a disadvantage when it comes to speed and agility whilst navigating a giant 3D replica of their fingerprint. Wait a minute, maybe they would have an advantage, as by the time they get as old as Elsie, they have probably worn off most of their prints, and the walls would be really short, and they could just look over them and see the ending - probably drive right over them with those little electric powered scooter/chairs they're always driving around.


That doesn't sound fair at all, and it would be better for Canada if they just stayed home and spent some of that money they all have socked away right here in Canada, rather than dumping it all over the golf courses in Florida and Arizona or where ever it is the hip seniors are wintering these days. Maybe rather than working for faceless corporations like McDonald's or WalMart they could pursue some kind of volunteer work that actually makes a difference to the communities in which they live. Now I know you're probably thinking that I am being a little tough on the seniors, and that they didn't spend all their lives working to retire and work for free. You may have a point. You may not. Think of the state of our society these days, it is mad (and my friend Chairman Don likes to point this out as often as he can). I thus far whole heartedly concur with all the Chairman's observations, and got to thinking ... whose fault is this mess anyway? All those seniors who have spent the last forty plus years ceaselessly toiling for the man, sweating to advance the capitalist, me-first agenda of the corporations and capitalist robber-barons who have plundered our society expressly for the benefit of "the shareholder" and "the CEO". From what I can tell, with a few

notable exceptions, they did it without thinking about it, or questioning what exactly it is/was they were participating in. So long as they made it to church most Sundays and begged forgiveness from their god,


what they did the other six days a week was all hunky dory.



Rock on and good luck in the maze of your worn down 3D fingerprints seniors. Oh and thanks for the mess.